IT'S NOT THAT I CAN'T. I JUST DON'T WANT TO.

jebelyn hangover

2007-02-09T09:58:00.000+08:00

opsoyo

opsoyo

opsoyo

opsoyo!

opsoyo in korea means i haven't got or i don't have.... and that's just it. i haven't got a life. i don't have a life. i seriously need to get one. sigh.

***

in line with me not having a life... i decided to make good use of my free time, which, as it turns out, is a lot. i have a lot free time, yes. especially when i don't attend my classes. hehe. so anyway, im trying to learn the piano again. i've been inspired by the songs that im listening to lately. i forgot how good the piano sounded. and i forgot how good it felt to play it. so, with much of my free time, i am rediscovering the beauty that is piano.

***

REDISCOVERY

i've been doing a lot of that lately. rediscovering old songs, rediscovering old talents, rediscovering old friends. it feels good-- kind of like coming home.

2007-02-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

why does the dog wag its tail?

>because the dog is smarter than the tail...

...if the tail was smarter, the tail would wag the dog.

wala lang... nakita ko lang sa tv kanina at naaliw lang ako.

***

so i was on my way to school one morning when i heard someone make herself sound like a fool without even trying. i was on one of those infamouse fx rides when i (accidentally-on-purpose) overheard another passenger telling her friend about a certain english club. apparently, she was a member of this club and she was enthusiastically narrating to her friend the events that she took part in.

English club member: yung dun sa isang event, ako yung nag-introduce nung isang speaker edi sabi ko, "let us give her a WARM OF APPLAUDE!".
Friend: o talaga? astig naman...
Ako: ano raw???

and then she goes to continue her story... of course, i was listening very intently... my ears were eagerly waiting for another hilarious line...

English club member: blah blah blah if you can found one...
Ako: *trying my very best not to laugh*

sadly, all good things have to end... the FX ride was over... i was headed for UP, she was headed for who knows where...

i hope to meet her again someday.... IF I CAN FOUND HER, I'LL BE SURE TO GIVE HER A WARM OF APPLAUDE....

some english club, huh? =)

Burn, Baby, Burn

2007-01-19T23:29:00.000+08:00

It's a few weeks delayed, but happy new year!

It's the year of the fire pig.

woohoo.

I have a very good feeling that this year is going to be a great year. I don't know but I have this happy feeling radiating from my insides.

The new year started out good for me; I passed my first departmental exam in math75. yey. i have a business up and running. haha. Plus, I finally got the closure I had so been waiting for. double yey. I no longer feel heavy and burdened. I am happy. Truly.

*warm. happy, giddy feelings emanating*

oink. oink.

2006-12-31T10:11:00.000+08:00

who would have known that watching korean movies would teach me something i can use in my everyday life?

"smile and good things will happen, not the other way around," said one of the characters in one of the 8 movies i watched. sure, it was a bit naive but i believe it can work. it's all about keeping an optimistic point of view instead of a pessimistic one.

then i guess, it's good that i have a pretty smile. haha. thanks to three years worth of braces during my highschool days. probably, even greater things will follow instead of just good when i smile. =D

a good friend said that happiness is a choice. well i choose to be happy. i hope to god it's enough.

a little respect

2006-12-29T00:15:00.000+08:00

i try to discover a little something to make me sweeter.

...

don't you just hate it when you get tired doing nothing? how useless can you get?

procrastination is a skill i wish to unlearn. obligations and responsibilities won't go away if you ignore 'em. in fact, they get complicated with every delay that you make.

make haste. make haste. shoot me now. i am a sinner for i am a great procrastinator.

...

there is such a thing as unwanted information. i wish... never mind.

...

why is it even when you know you're getting yourself into something you'd rather not get involved in, you still go on ahead and plunge headfirst into the chaos?

curiosity.
stubborness.
ignorance.
greediness.
selfishness.
i could go on but im getting sleepy and my vocabulary's faltering. which will it be? pick one and i promise, it will get the best of you.

Kwentong EF-EKS

2006-12-27T13:30:00.000+08:00

Sa isang araw, humigit-kumulang 3 oras ang inilalaan ko sa aking pagkokomyut -- isa’t kalahating oras papunta at isa’t kalahating oras pauwi. Kung nakikipaglaro kay kamatayan at may deathwish ang driver ng FX na aking nasakyan, pwedeng kunin ang biyahe ng isang oras lamang.

Marami kang pwedeng gawin sa loob ng isa’t kalahating oras. Maaari kang matulog. Kung trip mo, pwede kang magbilang ng mga dilaw na kotse at kapag naka-isang daang kotse ka na, maaari kang humiling.

Pinakapaborito kong gawin kapag umaga at papunta ng eskwela ay mag-aral. Habang pagewang-gewang sa aking kinauupuan ay pilit at dali-dali kong isinasaksak sa utak ko ang mga impormasyon na dapat nung nakaraang gabi ko pa inaral. Natutuwa ako tuwing nakikita ko ang mukha ng mga katabi ko kapag nakikibasa sila sa inaaral ko. Bakas sa kanilang mga mukha ang pinaghalo-halong mangha, respeto at awa. Marami rin akong nakakasakay na mga estudyante mula sa iba’t ibang unibersidad. Halos lahat ng mga estudyanteng nakakasabay ko sa FX ay narsing ang kurso. Mahilig din sila mag-aral. Minsan pa nga ay parang kontest ang pakapalan ng mga photocopy na bitbit at pabilisan sa pagbasa. Healthy competition naman dahil natutulak namin ang isa’t isa na mag-aral imbis na magsight-seeing. Kung may mga estudyanteng masipag mag-aral, mayroon din namang hidni na nag-aaksaya ng enerhiya para magpanggap na pinagbubutihan nila ang kanilang pag-aaral. Meron diyang pumapasok na ballpen lang and dala... kapag sinipag ng kaunti ay may dala ring nakatuping notebook na pilit ibinulsa.

Araw-araw ay iba’t ibang klase ng tao ang nakakasalamuha ko. May mga makakasakay kang sobra sa bango, meron din namang kulang sa ligo. May mga gahaman sa aircon. May mga @#!!# manyakis. May mga tulo-laway kapag natulog. May hindi mapakali. Kung may magkarelasyong mahilig mag-PDA, may mga matatandang konserbatibo na mahilig magparinig sa kanila. Marami ang SWT (smiling while texting) na tila ba hindi maitago ang kilig. May mga nakikibasa ng text ng iba. May mga paranoid sa cellphone nila, yung tipong sobra kung makapagkubli ng cellphone at kapag napatingin ka lang sandali sa hawak nila ay pakiramdam nila hahablutin mo na iyon. Mayroong mga umiindak-indak sa super cool songs na laman ng kanilang mp3 players. May mga magkakabarkada na kung makapag-usap, mali, makapagsigawan pala, ay aakalain mong may mga diperensya silang lahat sa pandinig. May mga tuwang tuwa sa tambalang balahura. May mga nagpipigil tumawa sa mga jokes ng 90.7. May tulala. May nagmumuni-muni at umiiyak. May lutang. Mayroong nagmamasid lamang.

Bagama’t nasa iisang sasakyan lamang at mukhang iisang destinasyon lang ang patutunguhan, iba’t iba ang landas na tatahakin ng bawat isa pagbaba ng sasakyan. Kapag tumingin ka nang mabuti, matutuklasan mong iba’t iba ang papel na kanilang ginagampanan. May ina na nagmamadaling maka-uwi sa kanyang mga anak, may ama na nagsusumikap na buhayin ang kanyang pamilya, may estudyanteng nangangarap na umahon sa kahirapan at marami pang iba. May kanya-kanyang kwento sa likod ng bawat pasahero, ano mang klase sila. Saan sila galing? Saan sila papunta? Importanteng alam mo kung saan ka galing at kung saan mo gustong pumunta pero mahalaga rin na pagtuunan ng pansin ang paglalakbay. Kadalasan, ang pinakamagagandang aral ay napupulot mula sa mga karanasan sa paglalakbay. Totoo kapag sinasabi nila na ang edukasyon ay hindi nalilimitahan at natatapos paglagpas ng apat na pader ng silid-aralan. Patuloy ito. Sa mga araw na hindi nakayuko ang aking ulo para basahin ang mga librong dala-dala, nagmamasid ako at maraming natututunan sa loob ng 3 oras na biyahe, sakay-sakay ng rumaragasang FX.

speeding through a highway

2006-12-27T09:24:00.000+08:00

i went to quiapo yesterday. i spent money i didn't have to buy things i didn't need but sincerely believed that i wanted. typical of me. i have no self control. one. big. sigh.

good news for pirated dvd junkies: grey's anatomy season 3 and one tree hill season 4 are now out in the market.

...

i haven't touched my blog for days. was it for lack of things to say? maybe. maybe i didn't have the energy to write or should i say type down my thoughts. lately, i seem to keep finding myself drained of energy to do anything. i haven't started on school work yet. i haven't done anything yet. not even a list of things to do. wait, i did start something. i started my articles for the pharmakon but not one is finished yet. yet. yet. yet. follow through. that's what i need to do. im waiting for life to catch up but i seem to have gotten it all wrong. it's me. im the one in need of catching up...and life, life is not waiting. im going to need my running shoes.

...

sometimes, it's funny how life sneaks up on you. but most of the time, it's just disappointing. and you wonder, what kind of sense of humor does life has? and who's laughing?

ahaha. me, i guess.

...

i had hoped that everyone got what they were wishing for this christmas. i hope they did get what they wanted. as for me, i'm still trying to figure out what to wish for.

Malate sa umaga

2006-12-08T09:17:00.000+08:00

nung wednesday, lumaban sa JFED quizbee sila arjay at yung mga viegelmann(?). sa UPHSD las pinas ginanap yung quizbee. dahil libre naman ang transpo sumama kami ni west sa mga pharm. kaming dalawa lang dahil yung iba, may mga klase. dumaan kami sa may malate.

***flashback
first year days-- ako, si beni at si west ay mahilig sa adventures noon. karamihan noon sa aming circle of friends ay may dorm kaya pag free time ay umuuwi sila. kaming tatlo lang nila beni ang naiiwang magkakasama. isang beses, kakalakad ay napadpad kaming tatlo sa malate. umaga nun, mga 10:00. nakita naming mga pauwi pa lang yung mga party people at lahat sila mukang may hang over. konting lakad-lakad pa at nakarating kami sa roxas blvd. napadaan kami sa pugad ng mga taong grasa at shempre nag-freak out kaming tatlo dahil baka kainin nila kami kaya bumalik na kami sa rob.

second year-- 2nd sem nun... ininform kami ni kuya paul na ako, si beni at si west ang mga surviving members ng the pharmakon. kami na raw ang magmamana ng newspaper dahil yung ibang members ay graduating na. naaalala ko, tinawanan ko lang yung sitwasyon. sabi ko pa nga, kapag kami na ang nagtake-over eh ipapadissolve ko na yung pharmakon para wala na kaming iintindihin.
***end of flashback

in real time-- isa na namang adventure ang tinutuklas namin kaso, dalawa na lang kami ni west dun sa L300 van na puno ng pharm. sayang. ma-eenjoy sana ni beni yun dahil andun si gargoyle.

isang taon na yung nakalipas mula nung ibinalita sa amin ni kuya paul ang tadhana namin sa pharmakon. akala ko, walang kinabukasan sa aming kamay ang nasabing dyaryo. sinong mag-aakalang magiging responsableng tagapagmana pala kami? noong buwan ng nobyembre, nailabas na ang unang isyu sa ilalim ng aming pamamahala. pinagpawisan at iniyakan ng dugo ang dyaryong iyon. noong buwan ding iyon, umalis si beni. umiyak ako. umiyak din si west. tapos na ang mga araw na pagala-gala lang kami at kung san-san napapadpad. simula ngayon, magkaiba na ang mga adventures namin. kung si beni ay naninigas ngayon dahil sa snow, kami namang mga naiwan ay naliligo sa sarili naming pawis. ayos lang yun. nangako kaming mag-aadventure nang sama-sama muli balang araw. mag-iipon na lang muna ko ng sarili kong adventures. si west, mag-eexplore din. alam kong mag-iipon din si beni. marami kaming matututunan nang kanya-kanya. marami pang lugar na pwedeng tuklasin nang nag-iisa. marami pa kaming kaibigan na makikilala. malayo ang mararating namin sa bawat landas na napili namin. ganun pa man, hinding hindi ko malilimutan ang napagsamahan namin at ang itsura ng malate sa umaga.

she left on a freaking airplane at daybreak

2006-11-26T08:21:00.000+08:00

nakita kong umiyak si west in public nung isang araw. kahit hindi ako yung iniiyakan niya, na-touch ako. i would never have guessed that he would display such emotion. i was proud of him. contrary to popular belief, his heart is NOT made out of stone. oh, and his tear ducts do work. nice to know. peace tayo, west.

i did say that it IS ok for beni to go. im ok with it but i am in pain. i think most people who get left behind feel the same way. they feel helpless and they know that there's nothing they can do so they just say it's ok. besides, i know she's better off leaving...so yes, it's ok.

like what i told beni before, when you hold someone, hold them like it's that last time you'll ever see them...and when they go, don't make reasons for them to stay... only reasons for them to return.

to clarify things up, i am NOT ok with goodbye... because there are no goodbyes in friendship. beni's gone for the states now. it's sad. but again, it's ok... because i know she did not leave our friendship behind.

ant ill den

2006-11-20T22:25:00.000+08:00

goodbyes are heart-wrenching. i don't understand why there is such a thing as goodbye. it's mean and downright atrocious.

the problem with hello is goodbye.... it sucks; totally uncalled for. it's unnecessarily painful.

the problem with goodbye is that it brings with it a feeling of finality. it's the end of a beginning and that is that. period. it's a freaking period. it's definite. goodbye is the ugliest word in my vocabulary. i just hate it.

it's hard. or maybe not. maybe it's just painful. is it possible for someone to say goodbye then walk away feeling light-hearted? i think not. goodbyes leave heavy-gut-sickening-feelings behind. at least that's how goodbyes leave me. like i said, i just hate it.

as you might have guessed, i don't do well with goodbyes. ta-dah!

if goodbye comes after hello, why can't a "hello again" follow it up? if goodbye is the ugliest word for me, hello is the most wonderful one. hello! hello! hello! and if you say goodbye, i would simply nod, wait for the time until we see each other again, smile and say, "well, hello... it's nice to see you again."

here's to john mayer

2006-11-17T07:40:00.000+08:00

john mayer is still waiting for the world to change. he said so in one of his recent songs. sigh. yes, the world can use a change or two.

i was on my way home from paranaque last night when an imaginary light bulb lit up on top of my head. i had an idea how to change the world. inspiration came to me exactly when our car was in the middle of crossing a rail road while a huge truck tried to cut us. damn it, why is the philippines home to millions of stupid drivers? i have yet to experience driving without cursing a driver for lack of etiquette.

if i were to be asked for any ideas on how to change the world, i'd say, "start with the freaking public transportation drivers!". i'd like the LTO to recall their darned driver's licences and regulate, i mean really regulate their issuance of the said licences. i don't mean to take away the bread and butter of those poor bastards but they just get on your nerves relentlessly. if the LTO can just hold their licence to annoy fellow drivers/to recklessly damage other vehicles/sometimes even to kill/and finally to drive until they are able to LEGALLY prove that they are deserving of those licences then i'd think that the streets of the Philippines would be much happier.

happy streets = happy motorists = happy people = procuctive people = one step closer to changing the world

summerwind

2006-11-10T22:53:00.000+08:00

i'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony... i was humming the song to myself as we made our way home from cavite. by "we" , i mean my dysfunctional, extended family hailing from my mother's side. yesterday, my mom together with two of my aunts decided to invite themselves to a house-blessing-party for their ate's newly rented home. when we got there, we were informed that no priest was available. fortunately, the owner came over and told us that the apartment was already blessed. yey. a party was in order after all. we spent the afternoon pigging out, laughing and gossiping. everbody deserves to be in a dysfunctional family. when you're surrounded by people who engulf you with so much warmth, happiness and silliness, how can you not want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony?

life is but a dream

2006-11-06T18:52:00.000+08:00

when you row someone across a river, you get there yourself.

i was watching project runway season 2 last night and like in most of its previous episodes, the selfishness of one Santino Rice did not go unnoticed. he reasoned that he was in a competition, that he wasn't there to make friends. he said he had to be selfish. maybe that's his strategy. i pity him.

i think it never pays to be selfish. it always comes around to bite you in the ass. you take and take... sure, you get what you THINK you wanted... so you take and take... but in the end, you have everything and nothing at the same time. you only care that you're gaining all you can. you don't realize you're already losing yourself. you have so much but you choose not to share. you keep wanting more. greediness takes over you. more money. more attention. more love. more fame. more. more. more. you are blinded and you wonder why you feel so empty. huh. sucks to be you.

it is very true that things, both great and small, become more special when they are shared. a bag of dull tasting potato chips when shared between friends can become the most delicious chips you've ever tasted. you can't get enough of it... the staleness is replaced with warmth and somehow, even when you only got a few pieces, you feel full... satisfied. selfish people don't have that(satisfaction). it's a pity, really.

a fortune cookie once said, "when you row another person across a river, you get there yourself...". it makes sense, doesn't it?

row, row, row your boat....imy.

Damage control

2006-11-05T23:53:00.000+08:00

i just got off the phone with gerry. he said he finally visited my blog. i was suddenly aware of how bitter my blog is. he tried to comfort me by saying it's not bitter... just sad.

i guess i only write when im sad. im not always like that-- sad, i mean. id like to believe im a happy person, most of the time. and im not bitter. at least not anymore. i think. no, im sure. i think im sure. hehe.

i am a happy, happy person. just to prove my point, here is me being happy with my lola. don't we look like we're happy people?

***
no one can help it-- being sad. people get lonely from time to time, even when they're surrounded by people. you could be laughing but really, you're sad. sometimes you start out laughing... then you find it hard to stop laughing... you keep laughing until you can hardly breathe... you've laughed for so long that you forgot what you were laughing at in the first place... and when you finally do stop, you feel empty. then you feel sad.

sorry. im doing it again. i'll stop with the sadness... for now. =)

***
im supposed to be studying for a removal exam this tuesday. i don't know why but id rather do a bunch of other things than study. i got bit by the lazy bug. for the past 2 weeks, i have become a tv junkie. i am hooked and i never want to get up from my leather bean bag again. i actually felt my brain shrink bit by bit as i counted the hours i spent in front of the tube. if im not sitting in front of the evil box, im losing track of time, surfing the net for hours for spoilers and episode guides on the shows that i am supposedly watching.

sigh.

i need to study and understand what the hell a black body is.

i need two more weeks to catch up on sleep that i should have caught for the weeks that i let pass and spent staying up late to watch pirated dvds.

i need to refresh my spirituality. it's been weak for the past few months.

i need to regroup myself.

i need to pass that removal exam. damn it.

i need to get a life.

tied to me tight, tie me up again...

2006-10-08T22:02:00.000+08:00

help.

i'm about to lose my mind...

i need to keep sane.

help.

somebody.

so much information

such small brain...

with depleted neurons that were washed away along with alcohol.

so again,

help.

i mean it.

Dehydration of Cyclohexanol to Cyclohexene

2006-09-14T00:13:00.000+08:00

im supposed to be working on my predefense but laziness got the better of me. sigh. im just exhausted. i get tired mored easily now. just the thought of studying, just at the prospect of the need to study makes me want to just sleep it all through. another big sigh. i am becoming what i promised myself i wouldn't be. a lazy, whiny student who gets nothing done. get a hammer and hit me hard on the head. hit me hard. somebody.

well anyway, i found yet another great song. i am currently in love with this one. it's "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.

We'll do it all, everything, on our own.
We don't need anything, or anyone.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words, are said too much, they're not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

Let's waste time, chasing cars, around our heads.
I need your grace to remind me, to find my own.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.
Forget what we're told, before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

All that I am, all that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes,
they're all I can seeI don't know where, confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all.

If I lay here, if I just lay here
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world.

it's not hard to fall...really, it's not.

2006-08-13T09:15:00.000+08:00

i would like to congratulate damien rice for coming up with such a beautiful song.

people learn the hard way. you learn to get by with all the ironies life playfully offers. you learn to squint in order to see... im sorry im babbling.

well the song is great. my heart pounds everytime i hear it...

there's still a little bit of your taste
..in my mouth
there's still a ittle bit of you laced
..in my doubt
it's still a little hard to say... what's going on...
there's still a little bit of your ghost
your weakness
there's still a little bit of your face
..i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i can't say what's going on...

stones taught me to fly
love taught taught me to lie
life taught me to die
and it's not hard to fall..
when you float like a cannonball...

there's still a little bit of your song
..in my ear
there's still a little bit of your words
..i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can't see what's going on...

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall..
when you float like a cannonball...

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage!
Teach me to be shy'
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know.

40% w/w

2006-07-16T08:10:00.000+08:00

with the topic of sensitization and desensitization still vaguely fresh in my mind, i went to a (one of the two) bestfriend's birthday bash. i was informed earlier that day that vodka was to be involved in the celebration of her birthday. whoopeedoo. time to replenish the alcohol level in my body, which had been continuously decreasing since the opening of classes this schoolyear.

after feasting on the crispy pata, turbo-broiled chicken and the pasta with white and/or red sauce, the drinking began. it was only 8:30. we had one 1-Liter of absolut vodka waiting for us. time's awasting. by 9:15, the bottle was almost empty but not quite. i had to leave by 9:30 so i took all i can take in. i had 5 shots. i thought, "hey, im doing pretty good. i had 5 shots of vodka and i don't feel drunk or anything. i must be alcohol tolerant." or so i thought. i had to get up and go to the comfortroom before leaving as my bladder was full. upon standing up, i felt the vodka rising up to my head. i thought, "nope, im not alcohol tolerant at all." i made my way to the CR. i took my time. if i didn't, i would have toppled over anything that wasn't supposed to be toppled over by. after the trip to the comfortroom, i felt better. i was ready to leave. some friends walked me over to the jeepney stop. i got home unscathed. but i was in a daze.

it was about 10:30 so i didn't bother yelling for my dad to open the gate for me. i had my keys with me so opened it myself, with a little difficulty. the alcohol was wearing off. i didn't get into the house right away. i looked up at the night sky and searched for orion. it took me some time before i realized that no stars were visible in the sky. it must be cloudy. no wishes for me that night, then.

i got to my room. i was going to try and contact this person. this person. it's long overdue. i know. i had to know. so i was about to call her but then i decided against it. im not drunk, there's no reason for me to do anything stupid. even if i was, that's still no reason to do anything stupid.

so i was barely sober on a saturday night. i remembered i have an exam that coming monday. whoopeedoo. i grabbed my tyler and picked up where i left off earlier that day. i turned my tv on. i had jay leno on the tube and my pcog book on my lap, random thoughts running through my head.... cascara sagrada... phosphorylation... orion... amorseco... Bos taurus Linne. (fam. Bovidae)... cake... vodka... snake bites... diego rafael claravall castillo... and then, i snapped out of my momentary trance. i put the tv on mute and studied pharmacognosy as if it was the only thing i was living for.

the story of my life.

word play

2006-07-15T09:30:00.000+08:00

will everyone please lighten up? it's hard as it is. i got my own thing. you have yours. we all have burdens. never think yours is heavier than the other's. you are not the same. damn it, it's hard to take sides. you see both sides and you are torn. what do you do? you hold on to your beliefs. but remember to fight your own battle. don't interfere. it's hard. sometimes you forget not to take sides...

sometimes, there are just things said that were not meant to be repeated. don't rush into things you do not completely understand. words when repeated, no matter how accurate you think you are, are never the same as the first time you heard them. maybe they shouldn't have been said in the first place. or maybe they were said for a laugh or two, not to be taken personally and seriously.

things get lost in translation. what with all the misinterpretations.

it's just sad.

one says something. one hears it. one repeats it. one completely misunderstands it. one overreacts. one is hurt. one is singled out. one is in the middle and torn between.

in the end, every one of them is at a loss.

free-falling

2006-07-02T08:46:00.000+08:00

you say what you don't mean and you hold back what you're supposed to deliver.

you look but you don't see.

you listen but you don't hear.

you think but you don't know.

you know but you do nothing about it.

you sense it but you choose not to feel it.

you nod in agreement but you don't approve.

you smile but you cringe.

you laugh but you don't get it.

you pretend but you're just not that good of an actor.

you take the fall but you regret doing it.

you take the lead but you are hesitant.

you promise but you don't intend to fulfill it.

you speak but you don't say.

you wait but you are impatient.

you decide but you are unsure.

you can but you may not.

you could but you wouldn't.

you are brave but you are stupid.

or you are brave but you are not courageous.

you, yes you,

you read but you do not understand.

you think you do but you just don't.

or maybe you do but you just don't care.

you just don't.

AMORSECO!

2006-06-26T21:00:00.000+08:00

Disclaimer: hindi ko gawa ito. natuwa lang ako nung nabasa ko. (pirated from gylisgod.blogspot.com)

Bakit masarap magmahal ang mga taong mahilig magpatawa?

1. Hirit pa lang niya panalo na!
2. Lagi kayong masaya kahit problemado na!
3. Magaling magdala kahit sabaly na!
4. Di ka talaga tatanda sa kakatawa!
5. Pag naging seryoso, talagang tatamaan ka!
6. Sigurado malalahian ka ng matalino... hirap atang magisip para lang makapagpatawa

and lastly...
7. Kahit sinasaktan mo na.. feeling mo okay lang sakanya.. di mo alam, halos mamatay na siya kung paano niya ilalabas iyak niya.

Astig diba?

wednesdays scare the fuck out of me

2006-06-24T22:29:00.000+08:00

shit. shit. shit.

kung isa akong computer, malamang ay nagshut down na ako.
kung kotse ako, malamang-lamang nagover heat na ako.
kung ako'y isang cellphone, baka nag-insert sim card na ako.

kamusta naman, diba?

sabi ni professor x (a code i got from wesweswest.blogspot) ay ayaw niya ng mga tangang tanong... ayaw rin niya sa mga taong tanga. ayaw rin daw niya ng hindi madiskarte. ayaw niya ng mga pagkakamali, at taong pamali-mali. shit, pano yan, eh all of the above ako.

never akong naging successful sa titration. palpak ako noon sa chem14. at lalo akong pumalpak sa chem18. yung endpoint na hinihintay ko, hindi dumating. kinailangan ko pang ibuhos yung isang beaker ng phenolphthalein noon para lang magpink yung analyte... kunwari overtitrated na lang.

mukang hindi uubra ang mga ganong technique ngayon. malupit si professor x. sabi ng marami, nangangain daw ng buhay. tas iluluwa ka at sira na ang loob at pagkatao mo.

hindi ako prepared. intellectually, emotionally at kung ano pang somethinglly...

kanina nakapagsimba ako. sabi ng pari sa kanyang homily, "don't worry, Jesus is in charge." naniwala ako. syempre. resigned na ako eh. alam kong Siya lang yung paraan para malampasan ko ang bawat miyerkules ng semestre na ito. go, go, go.

"salvation is here.."

just another entry

2006-06-12T09:29:00.000+08:00

sa mga araw na wala kaming magawa at walang pera, ito ang itsura namin. haha.

yung mga tao na nakapila sa moviehouse (G4) kami na lang ang pinanood. free entertainment. haha. we should have been embarassed. pero ewan ko. walang pakialamanan. haha. =)

it's independence day today. the 108th celebration of our freedom. pero malaya ba talaga tayo? no comment.

obsessive compulsive

2006-06-09T18:24:00.000+08:00

tickle.com

yan ang salarin. i took the "Which 'FRIEND' are you?" test from the said website. nung una, rachel daw ako. that wasn't what i expected. feeling ko kasi isa akong phoebe. so i retook the test. naging monica naman ako. sabi ko, 'hindi naman ako OC ah...'

that's what i thought.

tas kelan lang sabi ng mga kaibigan ko obsessive compulsive daw ako pag dating sa mga personal kong pag-aari. "natural lang naman un diba?", sabi ko. totoong overprotective ako sa mga gamit ko, lalo na pag bago. pero after a few months, i tend to forget about the little protective details.

so we were eating at kenny roger's when the subject of my being an obsessive compulsive was brought up. naturally, i denied it...well, tried to deny it at least.

sabi ko, "hindi ako obsessive compulsive..." e ang kaso, habang sinasabi ko yun, [unconsciously]pinupunasan ko yung table na kung normal kang tao e hindi mo pupunasan. that made it hard to get my point across. so it was settled. OC [daw] ako.

i don't normally clean my room. pag kailangang kailangan lang talaga, chaka ko siya nililinis. pero kagabi, hindi ko alam kung bakit, nagkaroon ako ng urge na maglinis. it was about 8 pm. i started out with my [pirated...sorry charms] cd collection. i started sorting them out. nadiscover ko na may mga album pala akong naikukubli na hindi aakalain ng marami na meron ako. when i was done fixing up my cd collection, i moved on to my books. it was about that time when my mom came into my room and was perplexed to see me cleaning. she was shocked enough to see me cleaning. let alone that i was doing it at that hour of night. at about 11 i stopped. napagod na ko. tas aun nga. paggising ko kanina tinuloy ko ang aking paglilinis. mga 4:30 na ko ng hapon natapos. pagkatapos parang gumaan yung pakiramdam ko. weird noh? natural high yata. haha.

i was on a roll. lahat ng mga nakatambak kong gamit binusisi ko. going through all those things brought back memories of earlier, happier years. nakita ko yung mga tula na ginawa ko noon. i was such a naive little girl. i think i still am. ang dami ko palang paraphernalia na naitabi. nakakatuwa. sa simpleng paglilinis, nakita ko kung pano ako nagbago bilang isang indibidwal. i realized how much i've grown. and i also saw how much i tend to hold on to things i should have let go of a long time ago.

it's been a long time coming. this end of summer clearance that i did. it was a cleansing experience. hindi lang yung kwarto ko yung nalinis at naiayos, if you know what i mean. siguro kinailangan ko lang magrenew for the fresh school year to start. kailangan ng bagong approach, bagong routine, bagong taktika.

"magpapaalam na sa iyo ang aking kwarto..."

1. 2. 3. go!

yun

2006-06-04T12:05:00.000+08:00

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight
Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star
And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

you had me at hello

2006-06-02T23:52:00.000+08:00

"she's got a secret garden
where everything you want
where everything you need
will always stay
a million miles away..."

Sometimes we're just not meant to connect with that person... you can reach them on so many levels just not in the way you want to.

it is bittersweet. this song. may mga nagsasabi na tungkol sa prostitute yung kanta. oo nga naman. if you look at the lyrics, oo. but on a deeper level...yun. sige, prostitute na siya kung prostitute. "if you pay the price, she'll let you deep inside..." so yun na yun diba? you can have her but you can't have her love. thus, "..where everything you want/need will always stay a million miles away".

just not in the way you'd want it to be. sigh.

ORION ...this one's for angge.

2006-06-02T09:07:00.000+08:00

nabanggit kasi ni angge yung orion. it brought back memories, happy ones and sad ones. (see? why would i want to erase the memories? haha)

i'm a big fan of the stars. parang pag nakatingala ka sa kanila, feeling mo ng mga sandaling iyon eh magiging ok ang lahat. tiwalang tiwala ka. resigned ka.

nauso noon yung star gazing sa amin. highschool days. tapos nauso din yung pipili ka ng star mo, tas dun at dun ka lang magwiwish. considering na sa orion lang naman ako familiar at alam kong yun yung madadalian akong i-locate, nag-decide ako na isa dun sa belt niya yung pipiliin ko. so alin sa tatlo? pinili ko yung gitna. orion. o-RIO-n. since may "rio" sa gitna ng orion sabi ko baka ito na yun. baka ito na yung star na tutupad sa mga wish ko.

gabi-gabi ko siya hinahanap noon. yung star ha. gabi-gabi akong humihiling.

tapos

isang araw, paggising ko, natupad wish ko. napasakin yung gusto ko. tas hindi ko na namalayan na unti-unti ko nang nalimutan yung orion. wala na kong wish eh. so hindi na ko tumitingala sa kanya. nagtampo siguro.

kasi

isang araw, paggising ko... *poof* ...biglaan. binawi yung hiling ko. siguro binigyan lang ulit ako ng dahilan para magwish ulit, para tumingala ulit. effective naman.

gabi-gabi ko siya ulit hinanap. nag-aabang. para sa star ha... chaka para sa kanya. baka tuparin ulit hiling ko... chaka baka bumalik siya. gabi-gabi akong humiling. may ilang buwan din yun.

tapos

wala. tumigil na ako. siguro napagod din ako. hindi naman dahil sa nawalan na ko ng pag-asa. siguro dahil naisip ko, hindi ko na alam kung ano yung hinihiling ko. hindi ko alam kung ano na ba yung gusto ko. sabi nga ni Morgan Freeman sa Bruce Almighty, "since when does anybody know what they really want?"

ayoko naman sayangin yung hiling. o baka nasayang ko na. sayang.

ngayon, paminsan minsan na lang ako napapatingin sa mga bituin. at pag natye-tyempuhan ko yung orion, na-o-overwhelm ako. (starstruck. korny) hindi ako makapagwish. ewan ko. baka hindi pa dumarating yung ulitimate wish para sa akin. baka lumipas na. ewan ko.

sabi ni angge may isa daw nawawala dun sa belt ng orion. alin kaya dun? baka yung star ko yun. baka sign yun. na wala na. wala na nga.

and when the stars fall, i will lie awake...
YOU're my shooting star.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2006-05-31T13:38:00.000+08:00

in love ako sa movie na toh.

"You can erase someone from your mind. Getting them out of your heart is another story..."

Joel: [In the house on the beach] I really need to go. I should catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I walked out the door. I was too nervous. I thought, maybe you were a nut. But you were exciting. I felt like I was a scared little kid.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said so go. Said it with such disdain you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's ok.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed to. I swear to god I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish... I wish I had stayed. [Walking out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Pretend we had one.

***

Joel: Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?

***

Joel: Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy!

***

Joel: I can't remember anything without you.
Clementine: That's sweet, but try.

***

Joel: I think your name is magical.

***

sana ganun kadali noh. punta ka lang sa isang clinic. then bitch about everything that went wrong. you go home and get some sleep that night. you wake up the next day unable to remember that you've just had someone completely erased from your memory. problem solved. painless.

kaso hindi lang naman bad memories yung tinatanggal eh. lahat. i wouldn't want that. i think. good or bad, i'd want to keep my memories. akin yun eh. sure, memories are just memories. pero minsan kasi diba kailangan mo din maglook back. para malaman mo kung bakit andun ka sa kinalalagyan mo ngayon. chaka para masabi mo balang araw na na-experience mo kung pano malagay sa mga sitwasyon na ganun. kasi dun ka matututo. diba? diba?

"would you erase me?"

at night when i should be sleeping...

2006-05-30T23:28:00.000+08:00

well im not. hindi ako makatulog. dati pinaka-late na yung 12:00. ngayon pinakamaaga na yung alas dos ng madaling araw. dati, hindi ko ma-imagine kung pano nagagawa ni angge na matulog ng mga ganung oras. pero ngayon, naiintindihan ko na. kahit mahiga ka ng mga 10:00, lilipas lang ng lilipas yung oras. and you're still wide awake. gusot na yung bedsheet mo, nagsign off na yung stasyon ng radyo na pinakikinggan mo pero ayun at gising ka pa rin.

hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa marami akong iniisip o dahil sa wala akong maisip na dapat kong isipin. haha. oo, magulo.

toss and turn.

toss and turn.

maya-maya pa at tanggal na yung bedsheet sa kutson.

toss and turn pa ulit.

tas biglang wala. parang block-out. nakatulog ka na pala sa wakas. pagdilat mo ng mata, alas diyes na ng umaga. pero parang limang minuto lang naman yung lumipas. feeling mo dinaya ka. pero ayun.

gising ka. buhay ka. puyat ka.

gising ka.

at mamayang gabi, gising ka pa rin.

last call

2006-05-30T23:26:00.000+08:00

11:30 p.m. May 30, 2006

happy birthday.

Chandler and Joey Vs Monica

2006-05-30T12:40:00.000+08:00

foosball. nakaka-adik. hindi ko alam kung magkano yung load nung powercard pero naubos namin yun ng walang kamalay-malay. FOOSBALL! such an adrenaline rush. imagine four girls, all of whom are sporting a handbag, dressed like refined women who just happened to pass by a foosball table while strolling along G4. then imagine them some 10 minutes later shouting with excitement over a game of foosball, handbags and refinery far from their concerns because as of that moment all that mattered was that they turn the poor wooden men barbecued on steels in the right direction with perfect timing just to get the damn ball through the goal. a-d-i-k.

thea, sana ma-engganyo kang bumili ng foosball table.

ennui

2006-05-28T21:18:00.000+08:00

weariness.

dissatisfaction.

boredom.

no, i do not know how to speak french. although sometimes, i pretend as if i've mastered it when in fact, i know only a number of words and haven't quite grasped the rules in pronunciation. i know a few phrases that would help me introduce myself, ask if one is married, state what my sexual preference is, ask how much one bottled water would cost, curse someone i do not like, explain to someone i cannot speak french... things like that. you get the idea. and i can count to ten but no further.

i guess what i'm really trying to say is,

i am bored.

i am dissatisfied.

i am weary.

i might possibly die of ennui.

Marissa Cooper died

2006-05-28T13:49:00.000+08:00

for those following the t.v. series, The O.C., i should have warned you about the spoiler. or maybe you already knew.

yes, cooper died in the latest season finale of the OC. how fun is that? haha.

i have this annoying habit of reading the episode guide of the tv show im supposedly following. i can't help it. i guess im not up for the cliffhangers. i want to know what's coming. i know, boring. and why bother watching it if i already read what's going to happen, right? right. no reason i guess. kj lang siguro ako. haha. or maybe i ought to blame our cable provider. or more specifically, the damn cable channels that keep replaying episodes you've already seen right when the plot of the show is in the middle of climaxing. it's like you're expecting to see what happened to the guy who loves a girl who is currently doing another girl in the next episode but what you get is the pilot episode of that damn season. i can only watch so much. kaya naman nagbababad ako sa internet para maghanap ng mga episode guide. para sa aming dalawa ni charms, ito yung pornography namin. haha.

so yes, marissa cooper died. deb was the one who tried to kill dan. dan shot keith right when keith just got engaged to karen. haley and nathan are gonna get married...again. peyton, apparently still has feelings for lucas. peyton and brooke? guess. Dr. Quentin Costa is the carver. Christian is going to ask kimber to marry him, for good. naima mora is gonna be america's next top model. jay is going to win project runway. george is going to sleep with meredith. Izzy and Alec are gonna go for it. mcdreamy turned out to be married. he chose his wife over meredith. in the long run, dawson is still in love with joey but she ends up with pacey. there.

damn

2006-05-28T13:27:00.000+08:00

damn it. school is getting so freakingly close.

natural high ko raw sabi ni charms -- school that is. malapit na naman akong maging adik. people won't hear from me for approximately 10 months or so. well i tried to be sober for two months this past summer. i wish it'd never end. or maybe not. i dunno. i kinda enjoy school. yuck. but true. freak! yeah that's me. sigh. isang malaking buntong hininga. sigh. isa pa ulit.

burn out. that's what i'll be in 3 years or less. pathetic aren't i? haha. pathetic, yes. melodramatic, definitely. weird? wonderfully. lost, most likely. confused, who isn't?

confusion. damn this state of mind. ang laking abala sa maraming tao. confused daw siya. fine. kelan ba hindi? buong buhay niya confused daw siya. but then again, sino bang hindi. what am i to do? edi maghintay. maghintay hanggang sa mawala na yung cloud of confusion sa kanyang utak/puso. hindi ko alam kung ano kasi yung ginagamit niya. baka pareho. baka wala. baka kaya lalo siyang confused. haha. ang gulo. confusing. confusing talaga. kaya nababaliw ako eh. i am insanely sane. if that's possibly possible. haha. definitely pathetic.

damn. yun lang.

Loving is so short, forgetting is so long

2006-05-28T00:36:00.000+08:00

don't you think?

or am i just bitter?

i should have been playing poker but i guess im stuck getting started with this blog

2006-05-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

i turned 19 last wednesday. i thought i was turning 20. good thing someone reminded me what year i was born in. if she hadn't told me, i would have lost a year. a whole year and i wouldn't know where it went. what's a year to you? it can be so short and yet it could be so agonizingly long. a short year of whirlwind fun or a long year of emptiness. which will it be? damn the irony. and yet without irony life is so boring. ironic. blah.